All You Did Was Save My Life
by DanceFairyKiller
Summary: Kendall has his own way of comforting a suicidal Logan. But what if it hurts as much as it helps? Angsty Kogan. Oneshot.


**A/N: Okay, so first off I wanna say sorry to anyone who is reading my multi-chapter fic, _I Just Want Back in Your Head. _I've been suffering from a bit of writer's block, so I spent the past few days on this oneshot instead. Hopefully it cured me, I'm planning to start on the next chapter of IJWBIYH (whew, long title) tonight.**

**Secondly, I think I'm gonna say that this takes place before the events of Big Time Audition. Why? Because I feel like it. But guuuys, this could totally have happened. Since it is a Nickoledeon show, the characters are pretty simple, y'know? I like to think I'm giving them a little more substance than what we get to see on TV. Okay, with all that said, please enjoy!**

**OH and italics are a flashback.  
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><p>"I just had to call you first." I was staring at myself in the mirror, holding my phone to my ear.<p>

"Bullshit Logan. You wouldn't have called me if you were gonna do anything," said Kendall.

I closed my fist around the pill bottle. He was right. I'd dump out the pills. Count them one by one, calculating the exact amount I needed to take. I'd stare at the little white capsules in a row. Then, I'd slowly drop them each back into the bottle. I'd put it away. Kendall would come, and I'd go to sleep. To be honest, the idea of death terrified me. Sometimes I wanted to swallow the pills and end it all, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"I mean it," I said, my voice shaking. "I just wanted to let you know first."

Kendall exhaled sharply and I imagined him rolling his eyes. "All right Logan. You want my attention, you got it. Stay right there, I'm coming over." He hung up before I could say anything.

I put the bottle down on the counter. I turned on the tap and splashed my tear-streaked face with cold water. Now Kendall would come and be the hero. He would save me just like he always did. Whenever I needed saving, that is. It wasn't that I was depressed; I couldn't really complain about my life. But some days, I felt completely crushed by an unbearable weight. I didn't know where it came from, or why, but it was like the world had fallen down on top of me. On these days, I'd take out my little pill bottle. Kendall and I went through this same routine maybe once a month. I knew Kendall got annoyed. I was frustrating. Hard to deal with. But, "I never turn my back on my friends," Kendall had told me. Especially not his best friend. I knew he'd do anything for me.

Sure, I had other friends. Friends who cared and were there for me. But none that would show up at any time of night, any day of the week, to talk me out of a suicide threat that he knew full well was empty. Kendall and I had been friends since we were eight years old. He had always been the strong one. If I fell off my bike, or got picked on at school, or anything, Kendall was always there to make it better. Since the day we met, our connection had been undeniable. For the past eight years we'd been tied together by an invisible rope that never allowed either of us to stray too far from the other.

My phone lit up. A text from Kendall. "Come outside," it read. Weird. Kendall usually climbed up to my roof, and I'd let him in the window. "What? Why?" I texted back as I slipped on a sweater from my closet. A reply came almost instantly. "I feel like being outside. Just come." I quietly made my way downstairs. The stairs creaked, and I prayed that my parents would stay asleep. Getting caught was all I needed, and I had no intention of dealing with my step-dad. He loved to pick fights with me, and my sneaking out at 2 a.m. would definitely get him going.

I opened the door, and there was Kendall on the porch. He reached out and wordlessly embraced me. He pulled me close to him and I instantly felt part of the weight lifted from me. Just being in the arms of someone who cared, was enough to almost help me forget my problems. Almost. He pulled away and reached for my hand instead. "Let's go," he said.

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><p><em>I was sobbing and shaking. I couldn't see; my tears obscured my vision and I reached out, finding the handle by pure luck, and opened the door. I was enveloped in the arms that I knew to be Kendall's, and buried my head in his shoulder. "Kendall, I can't. I can't anymore."<em>

_"Shhh, Logie. What can't you do?" Kendall spoke in a comforting but firm voice, his arms tight around me._

_"Everything. I'm not good enough. Nothing's good enough, I just can't," I said, not caring if what I was saying even made sense._

_"Logan, stop. This isn't you. This isn't _us_. We're hockey players, we don't back down or give in," said Kendall._

_I pulled myself out of his embrace. "_You_ stop. Stop oversimplifying everything. You think you can just spout off some motivational bullshit, and that's gonna fix everything? That's so like you, Kendall." I couldn't fight off tears long enough to say any more. I collapsed onto the couch behind me. I curled up and tried to dig myself as deep as I could into the cushions. Sobs continued to wrack my body. I couldn't stop, and I felt completely hopeless. If not even my best friend's words could save me, I didn't think anything could.  
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_Just then I felt a weight on the couch. Kendall's arm wrapped around me, and pulled my body back against his. "Logan, shh. Just quiet. I won't say anything else stupid, okay? I'll just be here." I felt his lips brush against the back of my neck. My breathing slowed. I let myself relax against him. "I'll never leave you, Logan," he whispered.  
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><p>Kendall didn't let go of my hand as he led me down the street. I didn't try to hide that I was staring at him, as I traced his features with my eyes. He caught me staring, and let my hand fall from his. He snaked his arm around my waist, and I leaned into him. After a few minutes, he stopped walking. We had arrived at the park. "Lie down," he told me, gesturing at the ground.<p>

"On the grass?" I asked.

"Just do it, babe," he said. It had begun. I was powerless. I lay down on the damp grass and Kendall lay down beside me. He put his arm around me again and I curled up beside him, laying my head on his chest. Kendall's heartbeat was the most comforting thing in the world to me. Listening to the soft thump of the blood-pumping organ made me feel strangely safe. For a few minutes it was silent between us as we stared up at the sky; at the stars. "It's beautiful, right?" said Kendall. "Just like you." He laid a soft kiss on the top of my head, and I shifted, lining my face up with his, asking for more. He gently pressed his lips to mine, and I felt my heartbeat speed up. Kissing Kendall gave me a rush. It erased every trouble I had, so the only thing that mattered was our lips, and our bodies. He rolled over, placing his body on top of mine. "You're beautiful, Logan," he said, as he kissed along my jaw. Ever since that first night, we didn't talk when I got upset, apart from soft whispers. Kendall had learned that his words of advice were incomparable to his touch. His lips dragged over my neck. He planted kisses on every inch of the skin there, before bringing his mouth up to meet mine again. He slid his tongue past my lips, letting the kiss become deep and intense. He slipped a hand under my shirt and pulled his lips away to whisper, "Your body is so perfect. You're perfect, baby."

He always said things like that. He told me how hot, sexy, and perfect my body was. Words you'd say to a lover. He would kiss me, caress me, and whisper in my ear until all I wanted in the world was him. Kendall did what he had to do in order to comfort me. He held me, and told me how beautiful I was. And the next morning, it was as if it hadn't happened. We were best friends again, nothing more, and gentle kisses and loving embraces were distant memories.

I didn't think Kendall had any idea. He could not have known that every touch or kiss set my heart on fire. I didn't care about making out with him; I just craved the closeness. The feeling of his body against mine was enough to lay my troubled mind to rest. Maybe I was the only one who felt it, but it was like passion hung thick in the air between us whenever we were together like this, and it had become overwhelming. I knew it was foolish of me to have fallen for him. But then again, how could I not? He'd treated me with love and compassion for all these years, even through all my stupid meltdowns. He was the only person who made me feel like I truly mattered. To everyone else, I was disposable. But to Kendall, I was important.

"I love you," I whispered, staring up at him.

Kendall looked at me. "I love you too. So much, Logan." He moved to kiss me again, a yearning in his eyes, but I stopped him.

"How much do you love me?" I asked. I knew this was a dangerous question, and I feared the answer.

His eyes softened. "More than anything. You're the most important person in my life," he told me.

"Then why do you only say things like that when I'm upset? I don't know if I can believe you anymore." I could feel that I'd brought myself close to tears again. I pulled myself into a sitting position. "Kendall, at first when you started doing this, it made everything better. I mean, it still does, but now I'm thinking. We've never even talked about it. Does this mean anything to you?" He didn't respond right away, and I closed my eyes and cursed myself for ruining the moment.

"Of course it means something. You're my best friend," he said. He sat up too, then reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder. I could almost feel his touch burning my skin. "But I think you're looking for more than I can give you."

He was wrong. He gave me everything I was looking for. All I needed now was for him to tell me he loved me in the way I loved him. But Kendall didn't return my feelings, and I knew that. I had to do damage control, fast. "No, not at all. I just wanted to know if you were...really my best friend," I lied.

"Really? You can be honest with me. You know we'll stay friends, no matter what," Kendall said. I could see it in his eyes; he wasn't stupid, and he'd caught on. But Kendall wasn't the type to hurt someone with rejection, especially not me. I knew he'd be nice about it. He wouldn't push the subject.

"Yeah, forget I said anything, all right? I don't even know what I meant," I said.

Seeing right through me but still being sweet as ever, he reached out and cupped my face with his hand. "Listen, we can lie back down and I'll make everything better, I promise." He pulled his hand back. "Or, I can take you home and we can forget about this." I wasn't sure which would be worse: letting Kendall touch me after the words we'd just exchanged, or going home without feeling him. I made my decision and lay down wordlessly. I looked off to the side, unable to look my best friend in the eyes as he climbed on top of me. I heard him undo his belt, and out of the corner of my eye saw him pull down his pants and boxers just enough to expose his erect penis. He then went to work on my pants, pulling them all the way off to give him access to my body. He leaned in close. "How do you wanna do this, beautiful?" he breathed in my ear.

"Up to you," I said. It didn't matter. I just needed to feel him. I barely noticed as he prepared me, and it wasn't long before he had pushed himself inside, and began to move on top of me. I threw my arms around his neck and held on tightly. To anyone else this would seem like an act of passion and pleasure, but I really just wanted to keep Kendall as close to me as possible.

I knew that he was nearing his release when his thrusts sped up, and he began to whisper to me. "Fuck, you feel amazing, Logan. Perfect." He grunted and kissed me as he gave one more thrust and I felt him finish inside me. He pulled himself out, but didn't take his lips off of mine. He deepened the kiss, and my body jerked in surprise and pleasure when he wrapped his hand around my own semi-erect member. He'd never done this before. I couldn't help but let out a soft moan into Kendall's mouth as he stroked me, his rough hand creating the most amazing friction I'd ever felt. It was a matter of seconds before I released over Kendall's hand, and my own abdomen. Only then did he break the kiss, and he smiled. "Wow, babe. That was...hot."

I started to smile back, but then I remembered our conversation from before. What we'd just done hadn't meant anything to him, and suddenly I wanted to get away. "We have to go, Kendall. I don't know if you noticed, but we're in public."

"Fuck that. It's 3 a.m., and no one's come by so far. You know what? Just get dressed, we'll sleep here." He planted a quick kiss on my lips, and got up to fix his pants. I should have gotten up. I should have pulled up my pants, walked home, and slept in my own bed. But Kendall was irresistible to me. Even after what had just happened, I couldn't deny that I wanted nothing more than to cuddle with my best friend. I re-dressed myself, and lay down beside Kendall, who was already sprawled out on the grass. "Come on babe, a little closer," he said, so I laid my head on his chest and his arm wrapped around me, in the familiar way that I was used to. It went quiet, and I wondered if Kendall might be asleep. Then he said, "This doesn't change anything," as if he'd suddenly remembered he wasn't in love with me. "We're still just friends."

"I know," I said. I knew we'd never be more than that. I closed my eyes and listened for his heartbeat, but for once, I couldn't find it.

**A/N: Reviews are my crack. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. Side note, I did consider a sequel to this, but I don't wanna ruin it so it probably won't get written.**


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